I know I haven't written on here yet, and I haven't written in LiveJournal in probably over a month. I just feel the need to get some stuff out that has been bothering me, depressing me, stressing me out lately. Just bear with me... it's probably going to be a lot of babbling.

54 Days.

That's all I have left until I graduate with my Bachelor of Arts in Sociology. I'm a first-generation college student, and I graduate in 54 days.
I'm terrified. As much as I can't wait to start the next step, to go out into the big world, I'm scared shitless. I'm so scared to leave the familiar places, people, things that I have come to love over the past 5.5 years. I Love being in college, I love having almost all of my closest friends near me, within a shuttle bus ride away, or even a few steps down the hallway. I love having my own room that I can have my boyfriend come over whenever we want, and I can just shut us away from the world. I love going to classes, and learning about things that affect my life, and may affect my children's. I am going to miss so much about college. Like seeing the old man with the pipe after class 3x a week, or hearing the marching band practice, smelling Kristin's coffee before I get up in the morning, and hearing her wide variety of music coming from down the hall. I'm going to miss Grey's nights, Ashley's aversion to microwave popcorn, Daron's amazing homemade popcorn making, and I'm going to miss my roommates incredibly. I have made some of the best friends while here in school, and soon I will be 2 hours away from them. Yeah that isn't a lot, but when your car is 16 years old, and you will be going to graduate school, it's a lot.

I have so many hopes, and dreams, that I always thought were going to happen when I graduated from college, but as it gets closer and closer, they begin to fade a little. Yes, I am applying to graduate school for elementary education, so my dream of becoming a teacher is brightening, but moving in with my love doesn't seem like such a close possiblility any more. The money isn't there. We can't afford to start our life together. Getting our own apartment is not in the picture right now. I am so worried that with me going to school, and him living 3 hours away, will become detrimental to our relationship. We've done it before, but I'm terrified of losing him. He's my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him. He is thinking about joining the Navy, to get money to pay off his loans, and to jumpstart his career in culinary, which I support all the way, because I am a military grand-daughter, and grew up going grocery shopping on base. I would love to travel the world too with him, teaching English wherever we go, but you never know what's going to happen.

I get so stressed out lately, thinking about what's going to happen in those 54 days. What's Grad school going to be like? what's the money situation going to be like? How long is my car going to last? will I be able to make it in the public school system? Will I be a good teacher? Where am I going to study? OMG, I'm not going to have a desk, where is all my crap going to go?? I absolutely love my duvet cover, but it's a full and my bed at home is a twin...
These are the things that run through my head on an almost constant basis. I wish I could press a button and get my own place, be able to afford it, get into school, and everything else all at once.
I'm going to have to invest in a bunch of frames, because I can't be without my pictures...

I'm so, so excited to take that next step, but i'm terrified of the unknown.
That's what I'm afraid of... the unknown. Those little things that bug me because I don't know what's going to happen.

Please, Lord, please help me through this crazy time. I don't know what I'm going to do, or how it's going to be.



sorry this is so like an internal monologue... it basically was.
if it bothers you, then don't read it. that's all.

and don' worry... i'll be fine. :)